Neev’s first day at school or was it mine???

The day before School:
Neev started his playgroup this June. I haven’t felt so nervous since a very long time as I felt the Sunday before his school. I went through the Parent instruction sheet multiple time to ensure I haven’t missed anything, checked his school bag three times. I counseled Neev since about a week before, about how exciting school would be- the toys, kids, games etc, just so that he has no first day fevers. I planned the day such that we are off to bed by nine (2 hours earlier than our otherwise bed time) and if you are a mother you would know this also needs pre-planning- early dinner, earlier afternoon nap, earlier morning etc. I had to keep reminding myself it’s not a school, it’s a playgroup and by mere definition it means, it’s a place where you come to play as a group but this didn’t reduce any anxiety. I was nervous as this was a new place for Neev, not just that this would be the first time, first place, where Neev would be alone without any one of us. Also what if he doesn’t like the school, he cries, other kids hit him etc etc.
On the school day:
We were the first ones to reach school, about ten mins earlier than we should have. Slowly kids started coming in and to my surprise the environment started getting more and more festive. I realized they were many more slightly nervous, slightly excited parents like me with their first child going for first day at school. There were dads and moms with cameras, pictures, new school bags, water bottles, etc.
First three days of school, mothers were allowed to sit in so I went and sat in the class room which was one empty room with colorful floor mat and lots of toys. With a microscopic eye, I scanned every corner where my son would now spend 2 hours of 5 days in a week. All kids sat together, sang a prayer, played with toys, sang rhymes, it was so much fun. It almost felt like I was back to school, only this time I remember my first day. As time progressed Neev got comfortable and I was getting a bit relaxed too. Just then appears this boy who tries to snatch a toy from Neev’s hand and Neev in no time hits him back. Now this is something I surely wasn’t prepared for. Happy, playful environment turns into howls of this other boy. I took few minutes to register what just happened and to figure out how I should react. I scolded Neev and asked him to apologize to the other boy. And thankfully that day Neev listens to me and actually says ‘sorry’. And I promptly smile as if I just got a ‘good parent’ award. But with this came home a worry that was this a sign that will Neev grow up to be will be a violent kid, who will hit other children in school. But here I would like to go with my husband’s theory that there are two kinds of kids, one who hit others and others who get hit, at least our son is not the one who gets hit. But reassuringly no hitting happened next day or even the days after and Neev is having a blast in his ‘play group’.

Now I know what “Naughty” means

My 21 month old Neev is getting naughtier by the day. I always saw other naughty kids and thought their moms never disciplined them which is why they behave like this, my son will never behave like this, and he will be a productive child and not a destructive one. This was only till few days back. Neev is growing up to break my every plan of rules and regulation in my bringing up. Let me just cut the chase and come directly to the first two big mischiefs of Neev. Big only because they caused a damage to my already shrinking pocket.
About 15 days back, Neev threw his water bottle down the window from the 5th floor to hit to a windshield glass of my neighbors Innova car. This boy who otherwise refuses to bowl and always wants to bat suddenly felt like a bowler that moment. Damage= Rs.11000
Just last week Neev decided to swing on my washing machine door and broke it. I thought he spends enough time in the garden swinging on the rides but it probably wasn’t enough. Damage = Rs. 300 + a week of unwashed clothes
I fear to think what could be coming up next. I now take all possible precautions to ensure there is no more damage but my son doesn’t have to take much effort to surprise me these days. He is not even two but talks like a four year old. Every evening I come back from work to see some new words and concepts he has already learnt in a day. But this is fine and I actually feel happy to see him as an early learner but what I surely am not comfortable with is this restless, hyper active kid breaking things.

If my thoughts trigger a thought of your own, do write a comment, I will be happy to read.

Moments of guilt

Two 'out of routine' things happened with me in last few days. First was about ten days back when I was getting ready in the morning for work, is when my nineteen month old son, for the first time in last one year, that’s since when I have started working post my maternity break, says “Mama office mat jao, mama dadi-house nahin jana” which means “Mama don’t go to office, I don’t want to go to grand-ma’s house”. This paused everything living or non-living in this world for me, for a split second. This is something I was dreading ever since I started working but it had to happen one day. Till now my son never realized or understood this daily parting. My in-laws did a fairly good job in keeping him entertained through the day, such that he never really missed me. But this day, made me realize in no time that my son now understands and hence desires and demands for me to be with him, more than I do.
As if this wasn’t enough to disturb something inside me, day before yesterday I get a call from home saying that my son has hurt him self. I had to rush home, take him to a surgeon for stitches. Till date i thought vaccination was dreadful, anxiety always took over whenever I had to take my son for that horrible but important task. The thought of that evil needle poking the tender skin of my son always made me nervous. But the courage required to hear your child cry in pain for ten long minutes, while the doctor does whatever he has to, to stitch that bruised skin, was all together another level of bravery. I felt so helpless.
Both these instances made me feel guilty, may be more momentarily but also as a constant thought within me always -the guilt for being a working mom. I know even if I were home, I couldn’t have saved him from falling or getting hurt, it had nothing to do with my working. But still every time any such thing happens, it just shakes me up, making me doubt about the decisions and ambitions of my life. Life is about give and take. I just hope that me being a working mom, gives both of us- my son and me, much more than it will take from us. Actually some where I know it will make both of us better people and will help us to grow to be what we want to be but even then, this seed of doubt always crawls in.
However when I came to office the next day after my son got hurt, one of my friend checked about how my son is doing and casually said that “hey so he has now become a boy, every boy gets stitches and there is more to come”. What got left behind with me was ‘There is more to come’, more of both of the above two incidents of last few days will now come my way more often and I have to be prepared. With this preparation, I elevated to this second stage of my motherhood.

If my thoughts trigger a thought of you own, do post a comment. I would love to read.

First Picture

Feb 2007
This is when I had gone for my first 4-D sonography. These are the thoughts that had come to my mind then, when I saw my baby’s first pic, this is what I had captured in Feb 2007.

First picture…

Saw your first picture yesterday
No…saw a life within me yesterday

A life which will step into this world soon
Soon into this world full of sorrows and joys
World full of reality and dreams

But will I be able to help create your dreams?
What about my own dreams?
Will I have to forget my dreams to fulfill yours?
Don’t know…all I know is I saw a picture of you yesterday
The first picture of reality

Saw your first picture yesterday
No…saw a life within me yesterday

Your tiny feet, little hands, shut eyes
Are so pure and innocent that I fear
I fear that my love and care may not be enough
May not be enough to nurture you, to grow you
To a person you would want to be
Will I be to able create a picture of tomorrow as beautiful
As the first picture of yours I saw yesterday

Saw your first picture yesterday
No…saw a life within me yesterday.

Now my son is 15 months old. And trust me the reality is a lot more happier, naughtier than the pic :)) But what is still the same is that it still is a life within me...and will always be.

If my thoughts trigger a thought of your own, do post a comment. I love reading your comments.

Was it my last or first holiday?

Last month I went for a holiday to Mauritius with my husband and our one year old son. This was my first proper long distance holiday ever since my son was born. But this holiday was quite different from all my last ones.

Earlier holiday meant lots of sex, this time there was hardly any sex since there was no nanny which meant our son was always with us.
Earlier holiday was about long meals & long chats. This time also it was about long meals but not for long chats but for my son’s long fussy slow eating & never without stories.
Earlier holiday, especially beach holidays, meant lots of adventure thrill & water sports. This time also there was lots of adventure but in the baby pool.
Earlier if the mornings began with afternoons & ended with late night clubbing, then this time the hungry howl kicked off the mornings and really hard & desperate attempts to make him sleep were the nights.
Lots of booze got replaced with more milk, sun-bathing got replaced with sand castles, groovy disco & rock music got flipped with ‘twinkle twinkle little star’, bungee jumping with jumping and just jumping all around.
Yes a lot of things changed, but it was still the most fulfilling time I had. All the things that I just cribbed about were actually lot of fun. They were all the things I did the first time or at least first time as an adult and that made it so much more exciting. I got to live my childhood again, actually I get to do that every time, every moment I spend with my son. Yeah it’s really time consuming to tell a story and make him eat his every meal. But I love those stories, I always did. They got new characters, concepts & dreams like Cinderella prince and my friendly neighbor hood Spider Man, in my life. I enjoyed the baby pool; it gave me a pool of joy splashing water in that 2-feet pool. A good, solid sand castle isn’t easy either to build and to then jump on it for kicks isn’t less fun. I enjoyed every bit of my time. All that I did was so much more satisfying compared to all that I couldn’t do this time. Well not sex but am sure we can make up for that. So though this may not be mean last of the earlier kinds of holidays, it surely wasn’t the last of my new kind of first holiday. I am so ready for the next one.