January 30, 2009

Moments of guilt

Two 'out of routine' things happened with me in last few days. First was about ten days back when I was getting ready in the morning for work, is when my nineteen month old son, for the first time in last one year, that’s since when I have started working post my maternity break, says “Mama office mat jao, mama dadi-house nahin jana” which means “Mama don’t go to office, I don’t want to go to grand-ma’s house”. This paused everything living or non-living in this world for me, for a split second. This is something I was dreading ever since I started working but it had to happen one day. Till now my son never realized or understood this daily parting. My in-laws did a fairly good job in keeping him entertained through the day, such that he never really missed me. But this day, made me realize in no time that my son now understands and hence desires and demands for me to be with him, more than I do.
As if this wasn’t enough to disturb something inside me, day before yesterday I get a call from home saying that my son has hurt him self. I had to rush home, take him to a surgeon for stitches. Till date i thought vaccination was dreadful, anxiety always took over whenever I had to take my son for that horrible but important task. The thought of that evil needle poking the tender skin of my son always made me nervous. But the courage required to hear your child cry in pain for ten long minutes, while the doctor does whatever he has to, to stitch that bruised skin, was all together another level of bravery. I felt so helpless.
Both these instances made me feel guilty, may be more momentarily but also as a constant thought within me always -the guilt for being a working mom. I know even if I were home, I couldn’t have saved him from falling or getting hurt, it had nothing to do with my working. But still every time any such thing happens, it just shakes me up, making me doubt about the decisions and ambitions of my life. Life is about give and take. I just hope that me being a working mom, gives both of us- my son and me, much more than it will take from us. Actually some where I know it will make both of us better people and will help us to grow to be what we want to be but even then, this seed of doubt always crawls in.
However when I came to office the next day after my son got hurt, one of my friend checked about how my son is doing and casually said that “hey so he has now become a boy, every boy gets stitches and there is more to come”. What got left behind with me was ‘There is more to come’, more of both of the above two incidents of last few days will now come my way more often and I have to be prepared. With this preparation, I elevated to this second stage of my motherhood.

If my thoughts trigger a thought of you own, do post a comment. I would love to read.

1 comment:

Speak Ur Mind said...

Last week me too posted something about working mom difficulties...http://fathimashehna.blogspot.in/2012/03/unsolicited-advice.html
Most of your posts and thoughts showed similarities in the way we think...I have read one after other most of the posts..Very interesting...I too share the same views as you...Choosing to be a working mom invites a lot of stares from the society...