August 2, 2008

Motherhood or discovery of a new me?

Most women are really happy when they discover their first pregnancy but then there are some or at least I hope there are some and it’s not only me who wasn’t so sure if that was happiness. I was happy to see others happy with this news. This is something they were all waiting for, but I the bearer of the news, bearer of the baby, heart of hearts was actually nervous & scared. It wasn’t the fear of pregnancy or delivery; it was the fear of an answer to an important question- Am I ready for this big change in my life? Will I need to make many difficult choices at career & life and am I prepared for those compromises? I have always been career oriented & ambitious, will this set back this race in life to make it happen for you. Thus the most important one – Am I having this baby for everyone else or do I also want it? The worst is this that at this time everyone else expects you to be jumping with joy but there were so many of these irrational fears, so many what-ifs that I wanted to share but didn’t think anyone would understand.
I was always very sure that I will have a baby then why am I feeling so unprepared like something very precious is being taken away from me. I didn’t know then that actually, the most precious thing of my life was being given to me now. Any way during pregnancy I didn’t really enjoy reading about joys of millions of pregnant women who had registered themselves on sites like Every time I got a weekly notification from them, I only read about the physical changes I needed to know and stayed away from anything else that made me uncomfortable. And then I remember my first sonography where I saw a life within me. I went blank, emotionless, lifeless as if time had stopped, life stopped for a second. And in that very second was a birth of new me or birth of a fetus of new me. I some where began feeling guilty of being selfish by not being so sure about the baby. Now the questions in my mind really were-Will I be a good mother? I still have so many unmet needs & desires, how will I find the courage to rise above them and fulfill yours? Do I have so much to give?
As the baby kept growing within me, I started feeling a connection with the baby. I started feeling protective of myself just so that I protect the baby well. I started sharing all my thoughts with the baby. I started enjoying the moments when Rakesh, my husband waited for the baby to kick so that he could hear them. This became every night affair and I also started cherishing them. Rakesh played the role of pregnant father & pregnant husband flawlessly. In all fairness, he did try to make life easy for me; most importantly he always gave a patient hearing to all my irrational fears & behaviors. But at that moment there is so much change happening within you physically & emotionally that you just don’t think anyone else would really understand it. By the end of my pregnancy I definitely was sure that it’s me who wants this baby and took good care of my self just so that I give my baby all that she deserves.
And then there was my first night at the hospital with the baby, there was Neev my few hours old son on the bed with me and Rakesh holding my other hand. I looked at both of them and realized the true meaning of the word which we have used so many times but never in the way, I understood it at that moment – ‘Family’. This is my family, the thing that is more precious and valuable than anything else in world. Everything else at that moment seemed so small and materialistic. And at that moment was the birth of new me!


sam relan said...

Well :) U must justify your posts :) I mean text alignment. Otherwise I am not, and will never be able to post a comment on this. lol.

Ekta said...

I wish you could see a little more deeper thought than this. Anyway thanks for your comment...will correct the alignment.

ncgirl3608 said...

Congrats on your baby! I am also a thirtysomething woman so liked reading your blog!

Ekta said...

Hey Erin,
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Went through your blog -apart from other things, we surely have a 'name sake' connection :) I related to your 'superwomen' write-up.
Cheers! EKTA